Separation Anxiety: Album Version
by VioletHills
Summary: Alt. M-rated chapters from the main story. Title references rap songs that have 'clean' versions for the general public - yes, I'm easily amused - so note that this is the 'dirty' version and proceed responsibly.  Currently housing: 16, 20, & 33
1. Alternate Chapter 16

**Chapter 16***

.

"Dad, are you n_erv_ous?"

"I don't know. Am I?"

Alexis observed the way Castle was fumbling with his tie. She swatted his hand away and did it up herself. "You definitely are," she answered. She stepped back to observe her handiwork.

"Did Kate seem nervous when she came by to drop Zoey off?"

"Well, she asked me what she should wear in this, kind of, panicky tone, so yeah, I'd say she was." Alexis grinned. "You know that you guys are being ridiculous right? I mean this might be your first 'official' date but you've been together for, like, a _year_."

"Not a year," Castle denied.

Alexis pretended to consider his answer. "You're right. More like a year and a half. Ever since you stopped dating women from parties and she broke up with that guy."

Castle shook his head and smiled. "So, you're okay with all of this?"

Now, Alexis really did roll her eyes. "First of all, that question really should have been asked a year and a half ago. Second of all, it's _about time_ you two made it official."

"We couldn't have pulled off the 'we're just really, _really_ good friends' bit any longer, huh?"

"Dad, you and Kate have keys to each other's apartments; she spends at least a third of her nights here; and besides, I've already been telling all of my friends that Zoey's my new little sister." At her dad's raised eyebrows, she added, "You and Kate need little pushes to make you acknowledge reality. I'm just doing my duty as a daughter."

"Uh huh. Sure." Castle glanced at his watch, "So, do you think I've given her enough time to change?"

"Are you asking me because I'm a girl or because I know Kate so well?" Alexis asked cheekily.

He grinned. "Both."

.

Castle knocked on Kate's door, even though he had the key. He figured this was a special occasion and he shouldn't just burst in like he usually did.

"Come in!" he heard her call out.

Castle closed the door behind him just as Kate exited the kitchen. She was wearing an off-the-shoulder silk patterned dress.

"You look…" he trailed off.

She smiled at the unstated compliment. "Thanks." She kissed him lightly on the lips as she brushed past him. "Just let me get my purse and we'll go."

Castle nodded.

Kate took no more than five steps before she paused abruptly and whirled back around. She looked at him with an unreadable expression on her face.

"What?" he asked.

"I just realised what I did," she answered.

"What did you do?" he paused. "You mean, kissing me?"

"Yeah," Kate made an awkward gesture. "Sorry."

"You're apologizing for kissing me?"

"Yes, I mean, no…" she paused again. "It's just… it felt like I did it out of habit."

Castle was still confused. "So?"

"S_o_, this is our first real date. A first-date kiss shouldn't be done out of _habit_. It should be one of those awkward situations at the end of the night with you walking me to the door and me fiddling with my keys… you know, awkward."

The corners of Castle's lips twitched in amusement.

Kate rolled her eyes. "Okay. Clearly you aren't thinking about this as hard as I am… so, yeah. I'm really going to get my purse now—"

Castle grinned fully. "Hold on," he dragged out teasingly, grabbing her wrist to bring her back to him.

Kate groaned, "Don't turn this into a joke at my expense."

Castle pulled her close and kissed her gently. "I liked it, you kissing me familiarly. It's my favourite way of being greeted by you."

She smiled against his lips and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. "If I greeted you like that all the time, you'd get bored of me."

He brought his arms around her waist. "I don't think I could _ever_ get bored of this," he said. He eased his tongue between her lips and started to kiss her more passionately. "How hungry are you?" he asked, moving his mouth to whisper breathlessly against her ear.

"Not that—" she gasped as he sucked at her pulse point, "—hungry."

They barely made it to her _room_, let alone her bed. Devoid of clothing, they were kissing each other feverishly, tongues tangling and hands exploring each other's bodies. He backed her up against the wall, dropping his mouth to leave searing kisses on her collarbone before moving down to her breasts.

The way he was touching her drove her crazy and she decided to return the favour by sliding one of her hands between their bodies to lightly trail her fingers down his hardened length. He jerked his hips forward when she wrapped her hand around him fully and now they were both desperate to relieve the tension that was years in the making.

Steadying her hips with his hands, he slid about an inch into her warmth. She gasped at the feeling of finally having him inside of her, wrapping her leg around his hips in order to urge him as deep as he could go. They both moaned at the sensation of being so intensely and intimately joined. Their eyes locked, full of desire but unwilling to give up this connection so quickly. He placed chaste kisses on her lips and her fingers left a delicious trail along his back.

Just as her eyes slid closed, he slid out of her and then, before she could react, had turned her around so that her back was now pressed against him. He rested one hand firmly against her stomach, whispering in her ear to _trust him_. She tipped her head back when he started nibbling at the spot just below her ear. Tangling his free hand with hers, she sucked his fingers – one at a time – into her mouth and felt him press urgently against her lower back.

With a last kiss on her shoulder, he pulled her left leg back over his and slid smoothly into her from behind. She jerked in surprise and then moaned at the pleasure shooting through her from his entry at that angle. He waited for her to adjust to him, continuing to pinch and roll her nipples until he felt her urge him on. Her head fell back onto his shoulder when he started to move, slowly at first, adjusting his position until… "Oh!" Kate's eyes squeezed shut.

Castle's hand pressed the front of her body as he pushed in again. "Is that where you want it, Kate?" he asked, lips trailing along her neck.

"Yes," she moaned. He increased his pace and watched her control slowly slip away as she started breathing out in quick, little pants. He slowly lowered his hand on her stomach and relished the way she sucked in a lungful of air as he began to stroke her clit. "Oh god," she gasped when he pressed the sensitive nub and rubbed her more furiously.

He knew she was on the brink, felt it in the way her body tensed and released against his. He pressed his warm lips against her ear, "Come on, Kate," he whispered. "Just let go."

He pushed in deep and she strained against him before finally, _finally_ allowing her body that final release. Cries of pleasure broke through her lips as the heat coursed through her body and she shuddered in his hold. When her eyes finally fluttered open, Castle was still moving slowly in and out, softly caressing her.

Kate tilted her head to kiss him firmly, smiling against his lips. When she pulled away suddenly, Castle hissed at the momentary loss of her body but she was guiding him into her before he even had a chance to complain. "It's your turn," she whispered, arching against him.

He held her gaze even though her rhythmic movements were making him dizzy with need. "No," he managed to gasp out, "I want you with me." He entwined their fingers together and brought their arms up over their heads, squeezing with every thrust.

"Then you might have to take me harder," she replied in a half moan. She licked the edge of his ear and murmured enticingly, "Come on, Castle. I can take it."

He didn't need any additional encouragement. With a wicked grin, he twisted his hips to change the angle before driving into her and making her groan. She searched for his lips and kissed him deeply until they were both panting against each other's mouth. His eyes started to squeeze shut and Kate clenched her inner muscles hard in order to stimulate his release, making him grip her hands tightly as the first waves of pleasure swept over him. She pressed her hips to his one last time, making his breath catch as he felt her still and finish with him.

They fell back onto the bed, spent.

They didn't make their reservation.

.

Sometime later, they both came to their senses long enough to notice the time.

"Oh crap," said Kate, sitting up in bed, covers exposing her body from the waist up. Castle reached out to wrap his arms around her middle in order to pull her on top of him but she resisted. "Castle, it's eleven," she said. "When did you tell Alexis we'd be home?"

"Oh crap," he repeated. "Where's my phone?"

He leaned over Kate to fumble for his phone, remembering that it had fallen out of his jacket and onto the floor beside the bed. Kate cursed her body's reaction to his torso brushing against her nipples, which caused them to harden immediately and made the heat start to pool between her legs again.

Castle finally managed to find his phone but he stayed on top of her. His grin made her realise that he had noticed as well. As he waited for the call to connect, he brushed his tongue over the hardened points and watched as she squirmed underneath him.

Kate heard Alexis' '_hello?_' float through the line.

"Hi honey," Castle answered, "How's everything going?"

Alexis answered that Zoey had already gone to bed and that everything was fine. Castle nodded. "Listen," he said, smiling as Kate inhaled sharply when his fingers crept underneath the covers and started massaging her folds. "Do you think you could hold the fort tonight?"

Alexis' '_why?_' sounded more than a little amused.

"Well, we just came back to Kate's place after dinner and since it's getting late, we're just going to stay here tonight." All three of them knew he was lying.

'_Uh huh_,' came Alexis' response. '_What was that?_' she asked when Kate couldn't stop a moan from escaping her mouth. The next time Castle pushed his fingers into her, she opted to bite his shoulder instead. '_Never mind_,' said Alexis, '_I don't want to know._'

"Okay honey," Castle said, "You have a good night, 'k?"

As soon as he ended the call, Kate glared at him and said, "You're fucking evil."

"You get a little blasphemous when you're horny," he replied, already trailing his lips down her body.

"I can get a little _dirty_, too," she said teasingly as she bent her legs a little in order to brush up against his very obvious arousal.

She was immediately rendered speechless, however, when she felt his lips kissing the inside of her thigh. Her muscles started to quiver as his tongue snaked out to taste her, never lingering for more than a second. When he brushed his tongue, all wet and hot, repeatedly against her clit, she was gone. Her eyes fluttered rapidly as he continued to suck and dip into her heat.

"I can't," she panted, finally, "I need more."

He moved back up her body, kissing her lips and letting her taste herself, before she broke away to cry out as he slid into her. She immediately clamped her legs around his waist and he sucked in a deep breath as he found himself buried full length within her. He circled his hips as her fingers traced a delicious path up his back before trailing around to the front where she swept his nipples back and forth. At long last, he started to make slow movements above her but just as he was about to slide back in, she bucked up against him and made him falter in surprise. After that, every thrust he made was met with equal vigour from her until he wasn't sure whether it was pain or pleasure he was feeling. "Kate," he gasped.

He closed his mouth over hers as her arms tightened around his neck. It wasn't long before he felt the rush of an oncoming orgasm. Their lips parted as she let him ride it out, his eyes pressed shut, his breath stopping and starting as he spilled into her.

Afterwards, he collapsed on top of her. "You're amazing," he said, in a rush of air.

"Oh, I know."

.

They couldn't get enough of each other. It was like, as soon as they had done it once, that was it. The dam had been broken and there was nothing that could stop the flood of desire flowing through them. Compulsion turned into want, which turned into a need that wouldn't be sated.

They finally ordered pizza around one o'clock. It had been hard to acknowledge that kind of hunger when there were more important things to do with their time. Still, their growling stomachs made them recognize the need for nourishment if only so they could continue to use up their energy in more stimulating ways later.

They were sitting in the living room. He, on the couch with his boxers on and she, cross-legged on the floor in a robe. The pizza place had gotten their order wrong and had put olives on both sides instead of just Kate's.

"Hey, Kate?" Castle said as he studiously picked off the offensive topping from his slice.

"Yeah?"

"Why don't you ever call me by my first name?"

"I don't know," she turned her head to look up at him, "Do you want me to?"

He shrugged. "I don't really care. I was just curious."

"You're just Castle to me," she said. She finished off her pizza and wiped her fingers with a napkin. "I mean, you _used_ to call me Kate only when you needed to catch my attention but—" she moved up off the floor, "—I can get you to obey me just by changing the tone I use with you."

Castle grinned when she started to straddle him on the couch. He threw his unfinished slice into the pizza box and wrapped his arms around her waist. "You might have to demonstrate what you mean."

She smiled seductively, sliding her robe off slowly. "For example," she said and then leaned to place her mouth against his ear, "If I say your name breathlessly, _Castle_, you'll get hard—" she ground down against his boxers as if to prove her point, "—and want to _fuck_ me." She looked into his eyes innocently, "Am I right?"

"Well, if I do, it's because you're so damn hot when you say things like that," he replied, clenching his jaw as she continued to drive her lower body harder into him. He could feel her heat through the thin cloth that was separating their bodies and with one smooth motion, he lifted them both up and she helped him slide his boxers off.

He was hard against her entrance and she rubbed him teasingly, sucking at his neck until he was begging for release. She looked him straight in the eye when she sank down on top of him and he groaned at how tight and wet she was around him. His mouth searched for her breasts and she gasped when he took one of her nipples between his lips.

It was then that she started moving slowly above him, hips lifting and sinking back down in a steady rhythm. His hands gripped her sides when she began to rock faster and she moaned when he bucked up against her. He managed to flip them over in a moment of triumph and pin her underneath him on the couch. She looked a little stunned at the change in their position but quickly recovered when he penetrated deeper into her, his tongue dragging across her heated skin.

She arched her hips up and felt him jerk. "Harder," she panted.

He never could deny her anything and within seconds, he was pushing into her sharply, thrusting vigorously until he felt her suddenly still below him. "Castle," she gasped out just before he felt her convulse around him, a beautiful red flush spilling across her chest. The strong and rhythmic contraction of her muscles obliterated him as well and he felt a wave of relief rush through him until they were both left gloriously empty.

.

"Was it me?"

They were back in Kate's bed. It was a guarantee that one or both of them would be sore tomorrow.

Kate was resting her head on his chest and at his question she turned to peer up at him. "What?"

He repeated, "Was there something that made you not want to be with me?" he didn't sound hurt, just curious. "Why didn't you want to make _us_ official until now?"

"It wasn't you," she answered, turning her head away again. "I mean, after a while, it wasn't about you."

"What do you mean, 'after a while'?"

"Do you remember that summer – maybe three summers ago – when you asked me to go to the Hamptons with you and then you ended up taking Gina?"

Castle nodded. "Yes. But, you said 'no'…"

"I did say 'no'." She fiddled with the edge of the comforter and tried to speak as casually as possible. "But, I wanted to say 'yes'."

"What?" he exclaimed, "You never told me!"

"I _tried_," Kate said, sitting up. "I broke up with Demming and then I tried to tell you…"

"…at the going away party…" he said, suddenly remembering that she had wanted to tell him something at the time.

Kate nodded.

"So, that's why you didn't want to be with me?" he asked, recognition flooding his consciousness. "You thought I would leave?"

"I'm not a sharer like you are Castle. I don't like to just throw my feelings out there for the world to see."

Castle sat up beside her and placed a hand on her bare leg. "I know that, Kate."

"It was really hard for me to let you back into my life after that," she said, "But then I did and everything was fine. We went back to getting on each other's nerves and dating other people and that was okay." Kate leaned her head back against the headboard and closed her eyes. "And even when you started taking care of Zoey, I was weary. As she started spending more time with you, I… it wasn't about me anymore..."

"You didn't want Zoey to get hurt."

She opened her eyes to stare at the ceiling. "But you never left."

"No, I didn't."

"You never strayed and you never even considered dating anyone else." Kate sighed. "But I knew you were serious when Alexis started getting attached to Zo. You wouldn't have let that happen if you had just been after me for the thrill of the chase."

"Kate, I _was _serious. I was always serious. About Zoey. About you." He placed a hand on her cheek and made her look at him.

Kate jerked her head away. "So, that's when it became about me," she said. She sounded embarrassed and hesitant. "You became such a big part of Zoey's life – of _my_ life – and I just started getting scared. Because making it official? That would mean that if something did happen and you decided you didn't want us anymore – then I would really lose something." She paused to take a deep breath. "I would have lost you and my relationship with Alexis and your _friendship_. I would have lost all of those things, all at once, forever."

Castle heard her unspoken words. Kate had already lost somebody she loved once before and it had nearly destroyed her. Still, Castle knew that there were no promises he could make that would reassure her or lesson the pain of her haunted past. He pulled her close and wrapped his arms around her body. "I can't make you believe that I won't leave you," he said, "You just have to trust that I won't."

She let him kiss her and slide them back down onto the mattress. He hovered over her and looked into her eyes. "It's always been you, Kate," he whispered, "You don't have to worry about that."

"I still don't believe in fate or magic, Castle," she said, smiling at the feeling of his fingers stroking her bare stomach.

He grinned. "I know. You like to colour within the lines."

She responded teasingly, "And you don't even _see _the lines. To you, the world is just one, big, giant piece of blank paper."

"Yes, that's true. But—" he laced their fingers together, "—when I look into that world, the only person I ever want to share my crayons with is you."

* * *

_A/N: I hope this lived up to your expectations! ;) The _**clean** _version is _basically_ the same with some paragraphs and words changed/modified so that it doesn't sound awkward but feel free to read it as well and do a compare and contrast! _

_The next few chapters take on just a bit more of a serious/angsty tone but no worries, interspersed will be some fluff that I know you guys crave so much! :)_

_And GUYS, as if you could forget, ONE MORE DAY UNTIL THE EPICNESS._


	2. Alternate Chapter 20

**Chapter 20***

.

"Oh, _shit_."

It was six-thirty a.m. and Alexis had just gotten up to get ready for her eight o'clock class (even for a natural early bird, Thursday mornings still killed her and she was frequently tempted to skip). Normally, she waited until she was eating breakfast before checking her RSS feeds but she was avoiding actually getting _out_ of bed for as long as possible so she ended up opening her laptop while still blurry-eyed. What she came across, though, made her jump out of bed to grab her cellphone off of her desk, where she had left it the night before.

"Pick up… pick up…" she muttered until, "Dad!"

"Honey, I don't know what time it is but judging by the fact that the sun hasn't fully risen yet, I'd say you're calling me way too early."

"Is Kate there with you?"

"No. She had an early day so she didn't want to wake me up until she had to drop Zoey off," he replied and then added, "Which, as it turns out, hadn't been necessary since you've done her the favour."

Alexis ignored his groggy complaints. "She doesn't, by any chance, read the _Post_?"

"Uh, no. She's more of a _Times _girl." He sounded more awake now and slightly concerned. "Why?" And then knowing that Alexis kept tabs on him via news and gossip channels (mostly to make sure they weren't spreading lies), he asked, "What's going on? What did you read?"

"I don't know why they suddenly care since you've been out-and-about with her for a while now—"

"Who? Kate?"

"No, not Kate. Zoey."

"…_Zoey?_" Now he was more than a little concerned.

"Maybe it's because somebody overheard her calling you daddy ever since that night at _Serendipity_?" Alexis said, sounding distressed herself, "But they are not saying nice things…"

She heard him swear under his breath. "Is it only in the _Post_?"

"I think it's just regional stuff but once the gossip sites get a hold of it…" Alexis trailed off, "I mean, you're not exactly Robert Pattinson or Snooki—"

"—who the heck is Snooki?"

Alexis answered exasperatedly, "Dad."

"Right. Okay. Sweetie, don't worry, I'll take care of it." He paused and genuine helplessness laced his tone. "Are people going to bother you about it?"

"My classes are huge," she answered, "I don't even know a quarter of the people in my lectures. Besides, I've dealt with worse."

"Alexis, I'm so sorry."

"Dad, I'll be fine. You just… take care of Kate."

"How bad is it?"

Alexis flinched at the thought of Kate coming across it without warning. "You should just read it yourself."

.

Castle opened the door fully alert, dressed and with a travel mug full of coffee made the way Kate liked it.

"Oh, wow," Kate said, a little taken aback by the speediness with which he had answered the door. She hadn't even had time to fully insert her key. "You got up early today."

Castle gave Zoey a hug before the little girl bounded over to the living room. "Are you in a rush?" he asked. She shook her head. He would have had to tell her anyway but at least, this way, she wouldn't be stressed out about being late. He ushered her over to the kitchen where his laptop sat open on the countertop. He made her sit down on one of the barstools. "Kate, I have to tell you something. Or… well… _show_ you something."

Kate caught the slight dread that laced his voice. "I'm not going to like this, am I?" she asked wearily.

He slowly shook his head. Hitting the space bar to bring his computer out of sleep mode, Castle watched Kate's eyes widen, first, at the picture and then, at the headline: _A Living Reminder of His Playboy Days? Richard Castle's New Love Child Revealed!_

Kate scanned the article, which contained a fair sprinkling of the words _scandal, illegitimate, baby mama, _and _gold digger_. He could tell when she neared the end because she started to ball her hands up into fists and by the time she read, _'…So, now the question is, which one of Richard Castle's infamous one-night stands managed to seduce him into paying his share of the child support…'_ they were clenched so tight he was afraid she would draw blood.

"Kate…?" Castle said when her silence started to unnerve him, "Kate, breathe…"

When she did start to speak, he almost wished she hadn't because her voice came out murderously steady, as if she were ready to put a bullet through somebody at that very second. "Castle. I am going to drop Zoey off at Lanie's today."

Immediately, Castle thought, _'This can't be it. This can't be what tears us apart.'_ He wondered if he was having a heart attack. Or maybe he was having an out-of-body experience because his voice didn't sound like his voice when he whispered, "Kate, don't. Don't do this. Please..."

He stopped talking when she turned to look at him. "I know you didn't do this. I know it's not your fault," she said, though her tone remained unchanged, "I'm not doing this to punish you, Castle."

"Just leave Zoey with me, then." His voice rose to a level of desperation. "You're going to be late if you drive all the way to Lanie's. That's going to take you at least an hour in traf—"

Kate cut him off. "You have to fix this, Castle. And you can't fix it having Zoey with you." She stood up from the stool. "Go to whoever it is you need to go to so that I don't have to see my daughter's face staring back at me from some gossip blog."

He saw Kate's expression seamlessly change to a more neutral one as she called for Zoey. She had already made up her mind. "You're going to go to Auntie Lanie's today, Zo," she said, helping her put her shoes and jacket back on.

Zoey looked confused. "Daddy? You don't play with me today?" she asked forlornly.

Castle gave Kate a distressed little look. She shook her head faintly.

He felt somewhat consoled that she didn't look happy about it either. To Zoey, he said, "I really want you to stay here and play with me today but your Aunt Lanie really, really wants to see you." He smoothed some of the curls away from face. "I'm sure you'll have a lot of fun, Zo. And you can tell me all about it tomorrow, okay?"

Zoey nodded, though her face was still full of trepidation, like she could sense that something was not right.

Castle wrapped his arms around Zoey. "I love you," he said when he pulled back in a way that made Kate unsure who he was addressing.

He gave Zoey one more kiss on the cheek before letting them leave.

.

"Paula! What the fuck is this?"

Instead of calling his agent, Castle had decided to storm her office instead, _Post_ piece in hand.

"It's okay, Melanie." Paula waved away her secretary who had rushed after Castle and was now standing in the doorway, a little bit terrified. She directed her attention to Castle, who was now pacing back and forth in front of her desk. "I would offer you some coffee, Rick, but somehow I don't think that would be wise."

He slapped the newspaper onto her desk. "Have you read this?"

"It's no big deal, Rick. It's probably just a slow news day."

"_No big deal? _I have a skittish girlfriend who is now mad at me and a daughter whose face is now out there for the world to recognize!" He paused and narrowed his eyes. "This isn't one of your publicity stunts, is it? Because I swear to god, Paula…"

She interjected, "I am not going to get offended right now because I know you didn't mean to suggest that." She had stood up when Castle had entered but now she calmly lowered herself back into her chair. "You said, from day one, that your family was off limits and I have respected that." She pointed to a chair. "Now, sit down."

He did so with a sigh.

"You are right about one thing, Richard," Paula continued, "This renewed interest in your personal life probably does have something to do with the amount of publicity you've been getting lately."

"You mean the new _Nikki Heat_?" The latest instalment was due to be released in a couple of months and he had been doing a few interviews to promote it.

Paula nodded. "And they're shooting the second movie."

"Yeah, but it's not like I have any input. It has nothing to do with me!"

"It puts your name back in the news every time somebody writes an article about it," said Paula, adding with a roll of her eyes, "And there has been a _lot_ of drama on that set lately."

"You have to help me fix this, Paula," he said despairingly, "Kate… I can't lose her over something this stupid."

Paula raised her eyebrows. "Don't be melodramatic, Richard. You won't lose her over this."

"You didn't see the way she looked at me this morning."

"She was probably just in shock. Give her a break. She's not as used to this kind of attention as you are. Besides, I've seen the way you look at each other," Paula paused as if she wasn't sure where that uncharacteristic touchy-feely comment came from. She followed it up with something more crass, "You would have to fuck up _really_ badly for her to leave you. And even then, I'm sure you'd find a way to irritate her enough to take you back."

"Am I supposed to feel reassured?"

.

After he left Paula's office, Castle went to the New York Public Library. He knew he had to give Kate some space but he wasn't really sure how much of it was appropriate. He was certain Emily Post never wrote a chapter on how much time was required before approaching your girlfriend after she had found a picture of her daughter in the newspaper, accompanied by an article that pretty much slandered her in the process.

By the time late afternoon rolled around, Castle couldn't stand it anymore. He had to see her.

When he got to the precinct, a sandwich from Kate's favourite deli in hand, he found her desk empty and her jacket gone.

Esposito approached him, expression betraying pity. "She left for the day, man."

"Where?" he asked immediately.

Esposito shrugged but Castle had a feeling he knew. Esposito was like an older brother to Kate and if she had told him not to tell, he would just as soon face a knife to his throat than betray her trust. Castle admired and appreciated that about Esposito – to know that somebody else had Kate's back no matter what – but right now, at this very moment, he found that loyalty extremely annoying.

"Well, she had to go to Lanie's, right?" Castle pressed. "To pick up Zo?"

Esposito stayed silent.

"Well, how long ago did she leave? Can you at least tell me that?"

Esposito's face softened. "About an hour ago," he finally replied, "Ryan and I told her we'd finish the paperwork."

"Was she mad?" Castle asked, voice quiet.

"She was… upset." Esposito seemed to consider how much he wanted to tell him. "Listen, Beckett understands that this kind of thing is part of your job. She's more than fine with her occasional appearance in articles and pictures as long as it has to do with _Nikki Heat_. But, this article…"

"…It doesn't," Castle finished.

"She's wicked private, man. You know that. And having somebody drag her daughter into this? Let's just say that she doesn't even know where or how to start fixing the damage. She has no idea how to deal. And if there's something Beckett hates, it's losing control."

Castle nodded. He already knew all of those things.

Esposito patted Castle's shoulder. "Lanie has the day off," he said, "But we planned to have dinner tonight. I'm picking her up in about an hour."

Castle read between the lines. Kate would have to pick up Zoey before Lanie went out. "Thanks," he said to Esposito.

Castle rushed off, dialling Lanie's number as he got into his car. "Lanie, it's Castle," he said when she picked up.

His greeting was met with silence on the other end. Several seconds passed and he started to wonder if they had gotten cut off.

Lanie wasn't one to sell-out Kate either but as the best friend, she felt that her job consisted of more than just being a confidante. Lanie also had to make sure that Kate didn't make stupid decisions or, because of how stubborn she could be, screw up something that had the potential to make her happy. So, when Castle called, she thought long and hard before making her decision.

When her voice finally floated across the line, it was without hesitation that she told him, "She's at her dad's."

.

Castle waited nervously outside Jim Beckett's house two hours later. He hoped the man didn't murder him for hurting his little girl before he had a chance to even talk to Kate.

The door opened. Jim wasn't usually intimidating but the way he was blocking the doorway seemed incredibly predatory. "Richard."

Jim usually called him 'Rick'. He was being formal. This was not good. Castle cleared his throat. "Hello, Jim."

Absolute silence for a full minute while Jim just stared – no, _observed_ – him.

Then, "Did you have anything to do with this?"

"No, sir. Abso_lute_ly no."

"You love my granddaughter?"

"_Yes_."

"And you love my d_aught_er?"

"She's my life."

Jim swung open the door fully to let Castle enter. "Katie's upstairs."

Castle let out a breath that he didn't know he had been holding. "Thank you," he said before bounding up the stairs.

He had visited a couple of times before with Kate so he knew the layout well. This hadn't been her childhood home but Jim had still set aside a room for his daughter so that, no matter what, she would always have somewhere to go.

He heard Kate's voice through the closed door, reading what sounded like a Shel Silverstein book to Zoey. He knocked quietly before stepping into the room.

"Daddy!" Zoey exclaimed, immediately sliding herself off of the bed to jump into Castle's arms.

"Hey, baby girl," he said, hugging her tight. "Did you have fun at Auntie Lanie's?"

Zoey nodded, pointing to her necklace made up of miscellaneous beads. "She help me make this. And one for Lexi and one for mommy."

"What about me?" he teased.

Zoey tilted her head, pondering before answering, "You can share with mommy."

Castle smiled. "Good idea," he said, ruffling her hair.

"But daddy?" Zoey peered at Castle, grey eyes wide and serious. "I miss you today a lot, a lot."

Kate had been watching the entire exchange and at Zoey's confession, she averted her eyes looking either guilty or anguished. Castle hoped it was guilt because anguish could mean she planned to keep Zoey away from him for a longer period of time.

Castle swallowed to keep himself from getting irrationally emotional. "I missed you, too, Zo."

A shuffling at the door made him turn around. It was Jim.

"Katie," he said, "I have to go out and—"

"—get groceries," Kate finished, "Yeah, I remember."

He nodded at Zoey. "Do you want me to…"

Kate looked at Castle for a beat before answering, "Yeah, dad, would you please?"

"Of course." Then, speaking to Zoey, he said, "Hey sweetheart. How about you come on a little trip with me? Maybe we can even get you some snacks."

"Yeah," Zoey said. Castle set her down and she took Jim's proffered hand. "Cookies?" she asked hopefully.

"We'll see," he answered with a smile. Jim shot Kate one last look before closing the door behind him.

"I'm sorry, Kate," Castle said, after a beat.

"Don't apologise," she said. "You didn't do anything."

He indicated Zoey's vacated spot beside her. "Can I—?"

She nodded. "Did Lanie tell you I was here?" When Castle didn't answer, she said, "It's okay. I knew she would."

"We have to talk, Kate. I had to come here so that we could talk," he said by way of explanation. He reached for one of her hands but her arms were wrapped around her body protectively and she didn't budge. He didn't press it. He just continued talking. "I went to see Paula this morning. She said the media was just looking for something new and shocking to report since I was back in the spotlight again. You know, because of the book and the movie…"

He breathed a sigh of relief when she responded. "What did she say? For you to do, I mean."

Castle spoke in a rush, "She said it would be best if we just released a statement. We could leave it alone but that might backfire on us if they decided to pursue it. We can't predict how far they'll go or how much they'll dig up. I was thinking," he continued, slowing down his speech, "We could just tell them we're in a relationship. That we are serious and committed and Zoey is as much my daughter as yours and to please respect the privacy of our family."

Kate was silent, thinking over what he had suggested. "No," she finally said, "Just say that she's the daughter of a close friend and that she called you 'daddy' by mistake. She's a child. They'll believe that. And don't mention Zoey by name."

Castle didn't miss how Kate's proposed statement made their relationship – the one he had with her _and_ the one he had with Zoey – seem trivial. "Kate," he said gently, "Are you okay?"

But, Kate didn't respond. In fact, she didn't say anything for a long while. When the words finally came, though, her voice was quiet and resolute. "I don't want to keep Zoey from you."

It seemed as though it took extra long for Castle's brain to process her sentence. But then, the meaning rushed towards him like a speeding train with an impact that was equally devastating. "Are you… are you _breaking up_ with me?"

Kate squeezed her eyes shut. "Castle…"

"No!" he practically yelled, "What about not running away? What about trusting me?"

"—I _do_ trust you, Castle! It's not you, it's—"

"—it's everything else, right?" he waved his hands around erratically. "If you let them get to you – to what we have – then they win. I know you Kate, you _hate_ losing. The media just likes to stir things up. Nobody will remember it in a couple of days and we'll just go back to being this boring couple with two kids."

"Until the next time."

"Kate, I _know_ you're guarded and I _know _you like to keep personal things private but this is us! There are so many things we have, that we share, that nobody will be able to take away." He wasn't sitting beside her anymore. He was in front of her, trapping her long legs between his knees. "Kate, it's _us_."

"Exactly, it's _us_!" Even with his proximity, her eyes were avoiding his as she spoke. "Why do you think it took us so long to get together? I'll tell you. It's because our lifestyles have always been completely different."

"No, it's because both of us were too chicken to admit our feelings," he countered. "Look at us now. We're a _family_. Families encounter problems and then they solve them _together_."

"You gave Zoey a room."

Kate's abrupt change of topic disrupted his chain of thought. "What?" he asked.

"I'm not stupid, Castle. I know why you redesigned the guest room," she crossed her arms, "You make all of these decisions without telling me. What kind of _family_ are we if you don't even feel like you can discuss things with me?"

"I just didn't want you to freak out! I didn't want you to run away because you were scared!"

"I'm not scared!" she shot back immediately.

"Oh really? Then what the hell is this?" he yelled.

"We're just moving so fast!" she yelled back.

"No, Kate," he said, voice suddenly calm, "We're not. We would be moving too fast if I had decided to propose to you but right now, we're moving at just the right speed."

"You don't know everything about relationships, Castle," she said, still angry.

"No, but I know what it feels like to jump the gun, fall headfirst without a life preserver and then find out later that you don't know how to swim." He toyed with the edge of her t-shirt. She didn't swat his hands away – probably because her arms were still crossed but he would take what he could get. He took a deep breath and continued, "With Meredith, I proposed because it was the right thing to do and with Gina, I never waited past the honeymoon period of our relationship before I got down on one knee. _Our _relationship has already lasted longer than both of my marriages combined." He took a deep breath. "Before you, I was sure that I would never get married again but maybe that's because I've never been with somebody who I wasn't willing to let go of. But, with you… I don't want to screw things up, okay? Someday, I—"

"—Don't, Castle," she cut him off, "Don't say it."

"We can slow down, Kate. We can take it as slow as you want."

"I don't want to slow down."

"You can't just quit on me here," he pleaded and then made a last ditch effort, "You can't just separate our _daughters_."

Her eyes flashed at that. "I _love _Alexis, Castle. I'm not going to abandon her just because we don't work."

So, that was it. She really was planning on breaking them up. "So, what was this past year to you?" he said, voice rising again, "Wasn't it _proof_ that we work?"

She leaned forward and he thought maybe he had managed to convince her. When he felt the pressure on his shoulders, he knew that she was only trying to push him away. "It wasn't proof," she said, "It was just a failed experiment."

He fell back, scrambling off the bed after her. She was opening the door for him to leave. He slammed his palm against it, holding his hand there. "No, Kate," he said, as forcibly as he could manage, "I'm sticking. Remember? I'm sticking like glue. I won't let you do this."

He tilted his head to kiss her forehead. There were no tears waiting to escape when he kissed both of her closed eyelids. Kate was strong.

Her eyes opened when he pulled away but he took the opportunity to bend down to meet them with his own. She startled. He didn't hesitate. He wrapped his free arm around her waist and brought his lips to hers at the same time.

She wasn't _that_ strong.

There was a sense of desperation to the way she kissed him and then a sense of urgency to the way she took his clothes off. Instead of the deliberately passionate way they usually made love, this time everything they did was fast and feverish.

He slammed her up against the door and it was hard enough to make her breath catch in her throat. He had his fingers roughly inside her before her next inhale and her slight whimper coloured his grief into a deeper shade of blue. He brought her off quickly and she was so stunned that she ended up biting his bottom lip.

She recovered quickly, soothing his cut with her tongue before dropping down on her knees. He didn't realise what she was doing until she was doing it. He jerked forward when she ran her tongue along his hardened length, from base to tip. This was not her thing but as she took him in her mouth, causing him to moan and fist his fingers through her hair, he realised what she was _really_ doing. She had convinced herself that she had to let him go and this was her way of marking him as _hers_ for one last time.

He pulled her up when he got too close and kissed her fiercely. Now he actually _was_ angry at her – angry that she felt the need to prove anything to herself and upset at how quickly she had made a decision about _their_ relationship without him.

All of those thoughts made him spin them around and push her back onto the bed in one decisive movement. His teeth grazed across her nipples and he felt her steel grip on his shoulders, nails digging into the skin. He took a moment to guide her arms up and when he thrusted into her a second later without warning, she instinctively grabbed onto the steel rungs of the headboard.

He slammed into her repeatedly but she was giving it right back. They were both using each other at this point – for anger, for stress, for disappointment, for justification… it didn't seem to matter anymore.

Her moans turned into a cry when his thumb found her clit and he angled into her a little deeper. He couldn't say her name – he wouldn't – so he let out a loud groan instead when she arched up against him. Both of them knew the other was close and he bent down to give her a soothing kiss, by habit. It was how their screams got swallowed when they both came, hard and intense.

He was the one who broke apart first, feeling dizzy. His breaths came fast and so did hers. Lying side by side, he made sure his voice was low and calm when he finally spoke.

"I told Alexis once, that love gets more complicated as you get older," he said, "And do you know what she told me?" He didn't wait for her to answer. "She said, '_if you love each other then you love each other_'."

She rolled away from him and sat up on the edge of the bed. "Release the statement," she said, without looking back at him.

"Which one? Yours or mine?"

"Mine."

Castle inhaled sharply.

"I just need a couple of days," she said, quietly. "I'm going to stay here for the weekend. My dad will look after Zoey tomorrow while I'm at work."

"So, we're not… are we okay?"

Kate stood up. "Just give me a couple of days, Castle."

* * *

_A/N: This has been the longest chapter yet (hence the teeny, tiny cliffhanger) and I'm sorry that it was such a rollercoaster. I hope you guys aren't mad at me for the angst – initially I wasn't going to write it this way but then I realised, they've yet to have a real fight… the words kind of just flowed from that thought… No worries, though. This is still ultimately a fluffy piece! I really hope the tension _added_ rather than _subtracted_ from the story…_


	3. Alternate Chapter 33

**Chapter 33***

.

"Oh, you've _got _to be kidding me," Kate muttered when she heard the phone ring, "It's my day off!" She was so used to getting calls at odd hours of the day that she didn't realise it wasn't her cellphone ringing until she picked it up. However, Kate _did _see that it was only 5:45 a.m. "Castle!" she said, giving him a sharp nudge.

He didn't so much wake up as he did wrap his arm around her waist and cuddle closer. "Sleeping," he mumbled.

She tried jabbing him again and when that didn't work, she went for the sure-fire way of getting his attention.

"Kate!" Castle gasped when he felt one of her hands erotically stroking him underneath his boxers.

She removed her hand and turned away from him, saying, "Answer your phone so I can go back to sleep."

"This is _not_ over," he said, rubbing the sleep from his eyes as he reached for his cellphone. "Hello?" he answered.

"_Well, it took you long enough!" _The response on the other end had been so loud that even Kate could hear it.

Castle sighed and fell back onto the bed. "What is it this time, Paula?"

"_I could ask you the same thing, loverboy! Why the hell didn't you inform me that you got engaged last night? I had to find out through about a half dozen phonecalls this morning!"_

"Well, it's not anybody's business except for mine and Kate's," Castle answered.

"_So it's true, then?"_

"Yeah, I proposed."

"_And she said 'yes'?"_

Castle smiled. "Why wouldn't she?"

"I could think of a reason right now," Kate grumbled, pulling a pillow over her head.

"I'm going to go now Paula," Castle said. A beat while he waited for her to make a comment and then, "Uh huh, I'll call you later to arrange something."

He hung up and Kate lifted the pillow up to ask, "We're in the paper again, aren't we?"

"'Fraid so," he said.

"Well, let's hope people don't start calling for at least another two hours," Kate said, eyes shutting on a tired sigh.

"Oh no," Castle said, "You are _not_ going back to sleep right now."

"It's barely six o'clock…" Kate muttered.

"Hey, you started it," he said, pressing himself against her back where she could very clearly feel his arousal.

"I did that 'cause you wouldn't wake up!" Kate tried to squirm away from him.

He held her against him. "Well, now I'm awake."

"Castle…" she said sternly when his roaming hand inched up her tank top.

He grinned. "I can wake you up, too." He slipped one of his legs between hers and applied slight pressure.

"I don't want to wake up," she replied when he turned her onto her back.

"Are you sure about that?" His hand trailed back down her flat stomach and slipped underneath both her pyjama bottoms and panties. Her body couldn't help but react when he started to stroke her folds.

Now her voice sounded almost tortured. "Castle…"

"I promise," he said, a finger entering her, "You'll sleep much better after this."

"I—"

He cut her off. "—In fact, why don't you just let me do the work, 'k? I mean, I'm not going to _stop_ you from trying to sleep…"

Her eyes flew open when he curled another finger into her. "You are just—"

"—Amazing?"

"I was thinking 'relentless'."

Castle shrugged good-naturedly before disappearing underneath the covers, "'Relentless' isn't bad."

Her response was immediately forgotten when she felt his tongue circling her clit, drawing sensual patterns that made her body arch and her hands clutch at the sheets. "Oh my god," she gasped, biting her lips to keep from crying out. He didn't stop when he felt her nails on his back and she could no longer help the moans that escaped when he started to suck and dip into her heat.

He hummed in amusement and that was it. She was gone.

Kate pulled him back up to kiss him once she was coherent again. Her tongue tangled with his _very_ talented one before she broke away. "I need—" her hand snaked down between their bodies to position him at her entrance "—_all_ of you."

He entered her agonizingly slowly, making sure her eyes stayed open until he was buried full length into her. He touched his forehead to hers. "I don't know how I managed to find somebody so incredible."

She tilted her head up to capture his lips with hers, kissing him even as he started to rock above her and only breaking away when she could no longer catch her breath. His movements had gotten more fervent and she knew he was getting close. Her mouth opened but it took her a few seconds to make the words form. "I just want you to know," she started breathlessly, "How much I lo—"

Her body had arched up to meet his next thrust and they both came before she could finish her sentence. But afterwards, with his hands tightly gripping hers, he replied, "—I know."

.

They finally woke up again at 10:30, this time for good.

"I wonder why we haven't heard any noise from Zo yet," Kate said, rolling out of bed and pulling on her robe.

In fact, Zoey had been up for a couple of hours. Castle and Kate found her in Alexis' room, the both of them lying on their stomachs in her bed, giggling and watching Sunday morning cartoons still in their pjs.

"Dad, you're staring," Alexis said when she looked over her shoulder to see him and Kate standing in her doorway.

"Just thinking how we have the best daughters ever," Castle replied, entering her room.

Zoey sat up in bed when she heard his voice. "Morning daddy! Morning mommy!"

"Good morning, sweetheart," Castle said, sitting down beside her.

"When did you get up?" Kate asked Alexis.

"Oh, when Grams called me at around seven this morning to see how the proposal went," Alexis replied.

"But… it's three hours _behind_ in California," Kate said, eyebrows furrowed.

"Yeah," Alexis grinned, "Grams had just gotten _home_. She said she waited as long as she could but that she just had to know before she went to bed."

"Your mother parties harder than you do, Castle," Kate said.

"Don't I know it," he replied.

"So," Kate said, perching herself on the edge of Alexis' bed, "What's our plan today?"

"Well, I know it's going to be a little crazy today but I really wanted to try out a new brunch place Elise told me about," Alexis said.

"I'm sure we can give the restaurant a call," said Kate with a grin, "See if we can avoid the craziness of brunch on Sunday in New York City."

"Oh, I didn't mean—" Alexis looked at Castle.

It took a second before Kate nodded in understanding. "You meant—" she held up her left hand. "Unless we bump into somebody we know, I'm sure people won't even notice. What are they going to do? Run up to us on the street?"

"Well, I'm sure they wouldn't do _that_," Castle said cheekily, "They know you're a cop."

Kate was half-right. Nobody accosted them on the street and demanded to see her ring but she did get a lot of stares ranging from pure jealousy to surprise, especially when the four of them walked into a rather posh-looking restaurant for brunch. If Kate had to guess, she would say the surprise came from knowing that out of all the women in the world, Richard Castle had chosen _her_. Luckily, Kate was secure enough in herself to not take it personally.

Still, Castle knew that as much as she had accepted his notoriety due to the nature of his job, she would never be completely comfortable with the attention.

"Excuse me," he said to the hostess after Alexis had requested a table for four, "Do you think you could get us a table in a quiet corner? For privacy, you know?" He gave her his most charming smile.

The hostess nodded. "Of course, Mr. Castle. I'll see what I can do."

"So," Castle said to Kate as the hostess weaved them through the restaurant a few minutes later, "How many texts and calls have you gotten?"

"Well, a lot of texts from the precinct," Kate replied, "Mostly of the 'thanks for informing us first' variety." She rolled her eyes, "Though I suspect Lanie told them all yesterday. Ryan didn't sound all that surprised when he called me and, well, Esposito _lives_ with her."

"I love Lanie," Alexis said with a grin, lifting Zoey up onto a booster seat before sitting down beside her.

"Good morning," a waitress greeted, appearing in front of their table, "My name is Mira and I'll be your server this morning. Can I get you some drinks to start off with?"

"I'll have orange juice," Alexis replied.

"Two coffees, please," Castle said, answering for Kate.

"And she'll just have a glass of milk," Kate said, nodding at Zoey.

"Sure thing," Mira said, "And—" she paused as if unsure whether or not to continue, "—congratulations on the engagement. That ring is gorgeous."

"Not as gorgeous as the woman wearing it," Castle replied immediately, his eyes twinkling as he looked at Kate.

Kate's right hand squeezed his under the table as she said 'thanks' to Mira. "You can be so cheesy sometimes," she said to Castle after their waitress had walked off.

"Is it still cheesy if it's true?" he asked.

"Yes," Kate and Alexis answered simultaneously.

"You guys always gang up on me," he pouted, "At least I've got Zoey on my side, right Zo?"

Zoey, clueless about the actual conversation, shook her head. "I don't like cheese, daddy," she replied, much to Castle's dismay and Kate's amusement.

Kate patted him on the shoulder. "I think you've lost this one, Castle."

.

That night, Castle snuck up on Kate as she was grabbing a glass of water in the kitchen.

"Hey you," he said quietly, wrapping his arms around her waist and resting his head on her shoulder.

She tilted her head a little when he started peppering her neck with soft kisses. "Hey yourself," she replied. "Are you going to sleep soon?"

"Maybe in another hour. I'm still working on a chapter," he said, "But I just wanted to give you something before you went to bed."

Kate smiled and turned around in his arms. "You already gave me something, remember?" she said, the cold metal of her ring being felt on his cheek as she pulled him in for a kiss.

"Yes," Castle said, eyes happy when he drew away, "But you won't be wearing it to work tomorrow."

"Well, it's a little too flashy to wear while chasing criminals," Kate replied. There was a note of levity in Kate's voice but she wasn't actually joking. Aside from the odd bracelet, a watch was the only jewellery – if she could even call it jewellery – that adorned her arms on a consistent basis while she was working. Anything more would be impractical and get in the way of her job – not only if she found herself in a shady area where people would only be so happy to rip a diamond ring off of her finger but also, it could very well prevent her from effectively knocking somebody out if the time called for it (although, more than likely, it would be the ring that would suffer and that wouldn't be too good either).

"I know," Castle said, nodding, "Which is why I got you something you _can_ wear to work."

"Castle, what did you do?" Kate said, shaking her head at his antics.

"I know it's very Cro-Magnon of me," he started, a blush rising to his face, "But I want people to know that you're mine. That you belong with me."

Kate smiled. "I don't need to be wearing a ring for people to know that."

"I know," he said, "I just… I don't ever want to be without you, Kate. And I want a piece of me to be with you… to remind you of that wherever you are." He reached into the pocket of his sweater, dangling the necklace from his index finger when he pulled it out. "You can wear it under your clothes. I don't think it'll show."

Castle placed it in the palm of her hand. It was a small circle pendant on a delicate white gold chain. "It kind of looks like a mini-ring, doesn't it?" he said.

Kate looked down, letting him flip it over to show her the engraving.

Surrounded by the quiet darkness of the loft, a single overhead light in the kitchen created a halo around the two of them, just enough to see by. Etched around the circle was the word _a l w a y s . _She looked up at him and he closed his hand over hers, clasping the pendant tightly in the centre before pulling her into a hug.

Voices got in the way when communication between them needed nothing more than these brief touches and fixed gazes. After all, they already knew the words.

* * *

_A/N: That last line is a modified version of something Andrew Marlowe said that I thought was just so incredibly beautiful: "_Sometimes they do it with their eyes, because they already know the words_"._

_Oh, and see what I did there? With the "I just want you to know how much I…" ;) _

_Oh, and Happy Pi Day!_

_(Alright, alright, now that I've had my fun… I know this chapter couldn't possibly live up to the proposal chapter but please still let me know how I did!)_


End file.
